Welcome August

The last week has been pretty shitty for me. I relapsed and went on a little 3 day run. Failed a urine at the methadone clinic so now I have to wait another 6 weeks for take home bottles AGAIN. I don’t know why I did it. But I was just angry, depressed, annoyed, overwhelmed, all of the above and went and copped. And the next day and day after that. And I honestly didn’t want to stop. I really wanted to get high yesterday and in fact I actually made arrangements to see my guy. The re-up was on the way and I was at his house waiting for it, but decided to go home because it ended up being another 2 hours anyway. I said I would see him later, but I fell asleep and didn’t feel like getting up that late. And today on the way home from work, I really thought about going to cop too, but I went right home. I made a pact with myself that starting August 1 was a clean slate, and I wouldn’t do this shit anymore. I am so lucky I am on the methadone because that little 3 day run would not have stopped if I wasn’t on the methadone. At least I have something to fall back on with it. But if I wasn’t on it and let’s just say clean completely from everything. No maintenance. I would have definitely still been emptying my bank account. I just started saving up a little bit of money too and I blew like $200 in a few days. Fucking pissed off about that now. But whatever.. money is just paper. And you can always make more of it. I remember the first rehab program I was in they made us do this stupid little exercise to add up all the money you spent in your addiction. I never did it back then. I just didn’t give a shit. But I actually sat around the other day and did it to the best of my recollection and knowledge. All the money I spent on drugs from 2007-2014 only, the height of my heroin addiction, totals over $300,000 conservatively. That is a house and a new car. Or a nice college ride paid full with some left over. Remember also that whatever money I spent on drugs I had to make elsewhere. Whether it was legal and from various jobs over the years but the bulk of that money was made selling drugs and crime. Think about that shit now for a minute. I wouldn’t have had that now if I did the right thing, of course. But still, as addicts we find ways of making money consistently. It’s usually illegal though. Over three hundred thousand dollars up my nose or into my arm. Fuck me. Hopefully things get better for me and my head gets in a better place this week.